In a satirical column addressed to Cyril Ramaphosa, Bhekisisa Mncube reflects on the President’s negotiating skills and how he landed up with the cabinet he has.

Ah, Chief Dwasaho, you’ve done it again! From the back foot, you’ve miraculously assembled a Government of National Unity (GNU) cabinet that’s both broad and inclusive, commanding a staggering 66% support, no less. Bravo!

My leader, you blindsided Aunt Helen Zille, DA’s Federal Chair, and cunningly avoided mentioning the little matter of expanding the cabinet: 32 ministers and 43 deputy ministers. Despite her driving a hard bargain, you short-changed her, giving her a meagre six ministers, down from the 12 ministerial positions, including that of the deputy president, that she wanted. Master negotiator, you are, Matamela.

But between you and me, what exactly are these deputy ministers going to be doing, all 43? Their talents might be better spent in the National Assembly than in the executive. After all, with the ANC sitting at a mere 40 percent, there’s no room for napping anymore. It’s all hands on deck from here on out, literally and figuratively.

Despite the naysayers, your cabinet reflects the vast expanse of our land, regions, races, genders, and political persuasions. Once and for all, you dispensed with the notion that it was a DA and ANC show, including an unprecedented seven different parties out of the 11 who are signatories to the Statement of Intent that birthed the GNU.

An array of ideologies 

For the first time, our national executive boasts an array of ideologies: right-wing Afrikaner nationalism (FF Plus), populism (Patriotic Alliance), social conservatism (Al Jama-ah), social democracy (GOOD, UDM), Zulu nationalism (IFP), Pan-Africanism (PAC), liberal democracy (DA), and, of course, the proponents of the National Democratic Revolution (ANC).

Indeed, you’ve given us a cabinet as diverse as the very soil of our beloved country, a true reflection of our Rainbow Nation. Every voice, ideology, and dream now sits at the table. For good measure, you threw in a former bank robber and gangster, a white supremacist, and a dyed-in-the-wool Pan-Africanist just because you can. When I grow up, I want to be a President like you, Matamela. Now, let’s see if they can all sing in harmony.

READ | FRIDAY BRIEFING: GNU juggling act – SA enters a new era of national unity

Picture this: a cabinet meeting where you have Minister of Correctional Services Pieter Groenewald from FF Plus advocating for a special police force to guard farmers and a special dispensation for Afrikaner rights, including recognising Orania, sitting next to Minister of Tourism Patricia De Lille from GOOD, wanting land first to expand tourism offerings and doubling the police force to deal with gangs in the Western Cape, arguing that white farmers have resources for private security.

And oh, what a sight it is to see Solly Malatsi (DA), Communications and Digital Technologies Minister, a liberal democrat trying to make sense of Blade Nzimande’s (SACP) socialist ramblings advocating for free Wi-Fi while the fiscal situation is threadbare and the country is swimming in debt. Or Finance Deputy Minister Ashor Sarupen (DA), a poster boy of fiscal conservatism, shaking his head at Finance Minister Enoch Godongwana’s (ANC) latest budget proposal that’s a picture-perfect mix of fiscal discipline and social security benefits while he demands cuts in social spending to prop up the economic growth imperative.

Will Al Jama-ah leader Ganief Hendricks, Deputy Minister of Social Development, butt heads with Baas John, our very own John Steenhuisen, DA leader and Agriculture Minister, over the Israel vs Palestine issue? Picture this: a tense corridor encounter on the way to the cabinet room, with Hendricks dropping a ‘River to the Sea’ snide comment. Will Baas John, ever the diplomat when it suits him, report Ganief for not being collegial and accuse him of playing politics in the sacred halls of governance?

When will we reach the land of milk and honey? 

Then there’s the pièce de résistance: Deputy Minister of Defence Bantu Holomisa (UDM) calling for increased defence spending, juxtaposed with Gayton McKenzie (PA) leader, the former bank robber and gangster turned Minister of Sport, Arts, and Culture, demanding a billion rand for promoting spinning as a national sport. These two couldn’t be more different if they tried, agreeing on something for the first time in decades. It’s the stuff of legends, really.

My leader, will the GNU cabinet adopt the snail’s pace of Moses of Biblical times, who led the Israelites out of slavery from Egypt to the Promised Land over 40 years, a journey that takes 10 to 15 days on foot? Or will they wander in a bureaucratic desert, each with their own version of the ‘Promised Land’? Will they reach the land of milk and honey or circle endlessly in the sands of indecision? Whose GNU is it anyway?

Send me to the cabinet room to be a fly on the wall.

 – Bhekisisa Mncube is an author, a regular columnist for The Witness, a content creator, and a frequent political commentator.

*This column was originally published here.

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