Voters’ fingers marked after casting a ballot. (Photo: Anand Purohit)

Live by Design is a weekly News24 column by Dr Helena Dolny and Mapi Mhlangu on mortality and the conversations around it. 

Last month, we marked 30 years since our first democratic elections. I cannot help but think about my late husband, Joe Slovo. As 23 May approaches, his birthday is approaching, and a trip to Avalon Cemetery is in my diary. And then there will be 29 May Election Day—people asking each other, who will you vote for and why?

Denver, the handyman, arrives with his son to fix my windows. Among the family photographs, he notices some of Joe with Madiba, Alfred Nzo, Chris Hani, and Cyril Ramaphosa. Unsolicited, he comments: “That was a different ANC than the one we have now. Corruption has destroyed that ANC.”

As they leave, I ask the young man if he will take over his father’s business. The son answers proudly that he will ace his matric exams this year and aspires to be a lawyer. His father comments that under apartheid, his parents were removed to Mitchells Plain, and in the last 30 years, he has worked hard to get back to Lansdowne. He has also been able to make sure that his son has gone to good schools to get a better education than he had access to. He hopes his son will have that better life, although he reflects on the disadvantages of being classified as coloured and of not being considered black enough. I listen to Denver – the cadence of his gentle voice. He is calm, composed, and articulate; his demeanour is of a man at peace with himself and how he is living his life.

I had a coaching client five years ago, a woman in her mid-50s. In her 40s, she had been a high-powered executive in the entertainment industry. She was inching her way forward after a double trauma of illness and divorce. She said: “I want another slice of a BIG life.” She liked the power, the glitz, the money, the champagne. Her desires fed dissatisfaction and fuelled both her ambition and avarice.

She and Denver must be around the same age. Of the two, Denver is the one anchored in himself, his fatherhood, his community, and his country.

Next week, I will be teaching a session on personal leadership. My starting point is always that each of us is the leader of our own life in each role we execute.

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My friend and one-time mentor, Nancy Kline, tells a story of when she was a young teacher. She found herself in a tricky situation. My recollection is that the parents of her students had raised an issue with a novel that she had recommended the students read. The principal listened to her story, and when she finished, he told her, “Whatever happens, remember that your students are learning you.” That phrase, “your students are learning you”, has been one of her north stars ever since.

Every parent is a role model to their child. Sociologists and therapists write of how many parents often struggle to break the negative patterns of their childhoods—the child who grew up with an abusive parent finding themselves in a relationship with an abusive partner.

How many of us find ourselves in a supervisory role, however big or small: the chair of a committee, a team leader in a business unit, an entrepreneur paying employees every month and sharply aware of performance. In each of those positions, there is the choice of leadership style. 

What level of consultation is appropriate? When is it that you simply give an instruction? How open are you to other points of view? How aware are you of the balance between how much appreciation you offer versus how often you criticise? (The Heartmath Institute and John Gottman’s research shows how powerful the amygdala is and how much more positive reinforcement we need to balance how badly criticism makes us feel and squashes our self-confidence.) The studies tell us that acts of kindness are the foundation of long-lasting relationships.

It takes strong doses of reflection to nurture self-awareness and intentionality to shape your life and the relationships that hold your life together with integrity. To lead yourself and with resonance, holding true to the role to the role model you want to be, can be quite a quest.

I am surprised to find Kate Middleton, the Princess of Wales, as my possible case study for students to consider. What might such a person of privilege have to offer? On the airport magazine rack, I spotted a Town & Country special issue, “KATE: Grace Under Pressure,” and curiosity drove my purchase.

The profile’s perspective is that Kate understands that her position in the world influences many people, and she takes this responsibility seriously. In her public engagement with the world, she increasingly accepts that she cannot be carefree or careless. Just consider how her photo-editing of a family snapshot got her into hot water! The magazine’s special issue looks at how Kate is choosing to raise her children, making sure they spend time outdoors, the way she involves grandparents, how the Princess of Wales has chosen to speak about her cancer, the vulnerability she allows herself to show when she describes how hard it was to talk with her young children about her illness, and last but not least, the careful selection of which charities she supports. The Kate we get sight of is the epitome of intentionality.

My questions to you are: “When people talk about you, what do you hope will be said?” Are you surprised with what people say as to how they experience you? Or have you successfully lived by design and shaped their narrative? My perspective is that we are cogs in the wheel of history, and what matters most is not the size of our lives but the integrity and intentionality of how we choose to lead ourselves as we live.

The cover of Before Forever After by Dr Helena Dolny. (Staging Post)

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